Tag Archives: Hound of hell

It’s a Dogs life we lead

People tell me ‘it’s a dogs life’, is it really? Well in my case it is, whether that means my life’s peachy, I’m uncertain. Surrounded by what looks like six very mangy, old and smelly chihuahuas wearing stupid hats, is not what I consider to be peachy- more very confusing.

I flipped, I realized that this was not what the occasion called for, but I just down right lost it. My flipping manifested itself by shooting up bolt right, then screeching “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and running as fast as I could for the nearest exit. Seeing as no exit presented itself,  I proceeded to run around in circles to release my episodic energies.

The six old dogs sat patently in this darkened wooden shack, the candle light playing flickering shadows on the walls as I ran around like a screaming tit. “So this is what we’ve been waiting all these years for? A simpleton with the bravery of a pot noodle.”

I broke for a moment, bent over and panting whilst I attempted to catch my breath, then I took a big old heave and continued. “I’ll give it to him though, he’s got stamina, even if he has the intelligence of a sausage.”

Finally I did run out of puff but unfortunately so did my grasp on reality, as my surroundings became confusing shapes. The room decided to spin around in crazy circles, disco lights shone around in fantastic shimmering colors and chihuahua heads span round in the air.

“Enough of pot noodles and Sausages Baxter! He’s passing out again, by the holy balls of Snoopy!” The smallest of all the unsettling Chihuahua’s turned to the mangiest and oldest of all the tiny pooches. “O reverent Elder Snuffles, he’s not ready for the testing, we should take him home.”

I awoke to my lovely Lilly tickling my ears, smiling down at me while she watched her shiny box of noises and shapes. “Din dins!” I almost leaped the entire length of the front room to the kitchen from Lilly’s lap, skidding to the bowl as I munched like a dog possessed.

It’s at times like this you look around and see why people say its a dog’s life. “Pissssssst” I mean when you look at it life is just an amazing concoction of… “Pisssssssssssst you stupid crap bag”. Crap bag? Who dares call me crap bag! Being insulted caused my usual cowardly nature to take a holiday.

“Now look here matey Jim, I may be a few things but crap bag is not one of them.” Then it hit me, oh my sweet and merciful snoopy, it was a female dog! Poking her head through the cat flap. I had uncontrollable urges to sniff her butt, and chase her around a bit “Just shut up and follow me” I was so taken that I just followed her through into the garden.

Again I found myself being so confused that I just wanted to headbutt a toaster. “I present the other choice O chosen one.” My tail wagged with nervous energy as I sat down on the cold patio. “The other choice? As in for me to choose? Or are you’re another chosen one chosen by the choosers?” The lady dog shook her head in confusion. “No, oh just shut up and listen.”

“I represent the winning side.” My tail stopped wagging and my testosterone charged panting ceased and my wet tongue flopped back into my snout. “The winning side to what exactly?” An evil look overtook this temptress and she let out a very well rehearsed cackle, so good that I wanted to clap a little.

“You have many tests that lay before you young pup, but we can make you a god!” She held out her paws for this and shouted it to the sky for fancy effect, and let out another award winning cackle.”Well that sounds lovely, it was very nice to meet you but I’m going back inside now to finish my din dins.”

“There’s no time for din dins, you flipping half wit! The times of conference are upon us and you…” Again she pointed at me, tilted her head back looking at me with wide eyes. “.. you are the conduit of change! Be our Savior, let my master show you the true meaning of your power! Or die with the flee bitten chihuahua circus!” This time I did clap and I stood up a bit. “Wow you’re very good at this.”

She grabbed me firmly by the chops shaking my head “You have the ability to communicate with humans, you fool! Do you know what this means?! You can rule dogkind! Grow up and chose a side or life will make you choose.” She ran to the bushes “We will make you a gooooooooooood!”

“Pauly, come finish ya din dins!” As I returned to devour my munch, the day’s events rolled across my mind with words like conference, conduit and the one with abilities. “What does it all mean?” I sat there on the patio utterly confused. “Pauly come on now it’s getting late.”

“Oh alright, you bloody nagging old shower of poo, I’ll be there in a sec.” What happened after that statement made everything entirely clear. “It talked, It talked! The Bloody dog talked! And it called me a poo!” Running through the house into the street, Lilly’s mother screamed waking up the neighbors. “Oh OK, so I can actually communicate with humans, this is going to be interesting.”

Photo courtesy of Dan Machold at Flickr



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Stranger Danger!

Thunder! Lightening flash! Random tree branch smacking against the window pane! I snapped awake, my ears turned up for any present danger.

I looked left, I sniffed right, all seemed to smell OK as I softly walked down the stairs leaving my owner Lilly’s bedroom, my eyes closed half way in shifty concentration. For no reason other then my own sense of occasion I felt the need to do a series of different kung fu stances on each step during my descent down the stairs.

The kitchen was dark and altogether too scary for my young puppy mind. The whistling wind caused the out of use cat flap to flip back and forth with loud clicks. The tree outside must be immense as even downstairs had cinematic branches beating the kitchen window in tune to the lighting flashes. “So you’re this brave puppy we’ve all been hearing about?”

STRANGER DANGER! I jumped up into a lesser doggy form of the praying mantis “I warn you mate, I’ve gotta green belt black tag in gonna kick your ass” I made a series of practice swipes in the air, adding menacing looks to my intimidatingly cute puppy features. “You’re the last git who’s gonna chit chat surprise me in the dark! Use the bloody front door bell like everyone else.” It was at this point yet again that I hadn’t noticed where the voice was coming from.

“You do go on a bit don’t you pup.” A very, very small wrinkly old dog moved out of the light, it seems that with age dogs get very good at this kind of thing. “I am Nipper, messenger for the elder dogs, the hairy holders of light.” Nipper bowed his head and looked up from time to time as if waiting for something, he let out a little quiet squeaky bark to speed things along.

“Oh, oh I see, um, I’m Paul, Paul the dog and I’m the stealer of sausages.” Nipper shook his head in disbelief and looked me up and down forming some sort of assessment  upon my puppy person, emphasis on the ass. “Um, sorry, but this feels a little intrusive, and to tell you the truth unbelievably weird, so you can leave the way you came in little chihuahua Yoda.

“You will follow me now Paul, Stealer of sausages” Nipper’s left eye seemed to twitch at having to say this obviously stupid title. “I’m bloody going nowhere mate, its late, pouring it down, and I’m tired after all the jumping down the stairs stuff. So good day Mr Nipper, or more to the point good night.”

All I heard after that statement were two sharp determined claps of Nipper’s paws and the back door flew off its hinges as lightening flashed right on cue. What stood in that door way was a stray hound from hell! Its fur so black all I could make out were the dark red eyes, the pouring rain not even effecting him. I managed to sort of dribble “blurgle flagaaga maa waaa” before I passed out on the cold kitchen floor.

I love dreams they are the cozy moments where I don’t have to wait for food and everything is made out of stuff I can wee on. I never really like to wake up that much, but when I am awake a different adventure starts. Waking up now on the other paw, did not feel like an adventure, more of a nightmare.

The air wafted a pet shop scent mixed with a skip stench, housed in a dark wooden room lit by candle light. The dogs surrounding me were all unaware that I had regained consciousness. A strange bunch of mangy old woofers bit, scratched and shook themselves around me. “Buster, the chosen one has awoken, looks like a bag of moldy sprouts to me.” The gathered dogs circled me and began to hum and sing.

“The one with the voice, the sounder choice. To start the age conference. The time has come, now lets hum. To start the age of conference.” One dog seemed to get a little carried away with the humming, and danced a little while giving the tune some razzmatazz, he got a good old clip round the back of the head.

“Rise Paul the dog, voice of the doggy generation. we have a lot to tell you.” I stood up to my proudest hight, tail outstretched chin held high, I cleared my throat and said “blurgle falgaaga maa waa” and collapsed. “I told ya’ sack of moldy sprouts”.

Photos courtesy of Gregg and Michael and Flickr

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