Tag Archives: dogs

There and Back Again

drivewayWhere do we begin? It’s has been just over a year in the human lunar calendar since I was able to convey my life story. How did I become for want of a better word educated? As you smooth skins would classify as educated anyway, seventy percent hard work, twenty percent luck and ten percent biscuits.

Last time we spoke I had just made one of the biggest mistakes of my puppy life, I talked out loud to the food giver in smooth skin tongue, which resulted in a trip to the hamster killer aka vet wobble bottom.

Well lets rewind a little to my midnight encounter with the mistress canine, who tired to seduce me into the doggy dark side of my powers. With my newfound skill I could unite all K9’s as one fighting force, to rule dogkind! Or die with the flea bitten goodie goodie Chihuahua circus, who long for a voice to represent the doggy generation.

By opening my puppy chops to the food giver, I had unwittingly sowed the seed of my so-called demise, unraveling a turn of events that would ultimately change my life forever, and all of those around me.

By the time we had reached the hamster killer, word had already spread of my broken silence in the presence of a smooth skin. The evil seductress bitch (female dog) had relayed the message to her unknown master of her fears that there would be a chance I would be taken forever and experimented on. A death sentenced had been cast upon me.

Two large, smelly, drooling and stupid looking dogs and one sharp looking and slightly pissed off dog laid in wait near our shiny rumble rumble place goer, whilst my food giver and I entered the vets.
“Mr Blue you’re on look out, give me two small ruffs if you see them coming back. Mr Pink you’re on entrance duty.” Mumbling to himself Mr Pink let out a mini howl “why do I have to be Mr Pink why can’t I be Mr Green or Mr Yellow?”

Blue shook his head as drool cascaded in all directions then sighed “not this again.” Mr Black raised up onto his hind legs with a scorned look on his face. “Now I’ve told you about this before, there are already other dogs on different jobs with the names Mr Yellow and Mr Green. You just have to make do with what’s been chosen for you, and stop bringing this subject up while we’re on a contract. You don’t want another incident like the Shih Tzu Saga!”

Blue let out a little giggle snort “shit gate is what me and the lads called it.” Pink squinted his eyes up at Blue and snarled under his breath “I’m just saying its not fair that Tarquin should get a name like Mr Blue”

Black suddenly snarls and lashes out at Pink, gifting him a little nip on the ear causing a submissive whimper. “Let that be the end of it! I want to get this job done and dusted before those two come out of the vets, plus the postman comes around to my fake letterbox at 4:30 and I don’t want to miss him again. Pink, pay attention! Go and jump up through the back window and be quick about it. We have wasted too much time as it is!”

Pink leaped up the rumble rumble maker’s door and slickly slid in through the window, being careful not to leave any marks. He scrambled onto the back seat and maneuvered his way to the front. Opening the front door for Black to do his thing.

Sniffing for signs of trouble Black entered quickly going straight for the break pedal “quick, who has the bouncy ball of death?” Pink lets out a gasp “shit, uh, I thought you had it” shooting a look of disbelief up at Pink from the floor, Black bellows “Grrrr! Really, I mean really, its the Shih Tzu saga all over again.”

All of sudden Black and Pink hear the warning sign “Ruff Ruff”. Pink starts to panic “what we going to do? What we going do?” Black quickly sets his gaze around the vroom vroom “calm yourself Pink and do exactly what I say, grab me those empty coke cans from down near the passengers side, then go join Blue at the rally point.”

Black with cool, calm and ease of a seasoned pro jams the empty cans under the break pedal, grabs the front passenger door and pulls it to. Hitting down the lock back into place and then makes his relaxed professional exit through the rear window and vanishes like a canine ninja.

The food giver and I entered the car and before driving we heard “Weight! Please! Please weight!” watching a dangerously overweight veterinarian running lightens up any awkward moment. Between pants the vet spluttered out “Your…. Your dog… It bloody talked!” The Food giver got out the car and slowly edged towards the vet, she drew herself up to her highest height as close to his nose as possible and screamed, “Tell me something I don’t know hamster boy!”

Then we sped off. flinging up gravel dust over the vet. We were flying down a gravel track and we didn’t even break for the turning onto the main road. I could tell that the food giver was not a happy bunny to put it mildly. What happened next still seems like a blur, and all I can really remember was the sound of the smooth skin screaming confused words. She uttered what sounded like the ‘Bucking fakes wont push down’ then bang it all went black!!



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The Catchase: The first of many

My was life was unraveling like some really well made animated Disney film but without the comedy relief stooge. Food rained from the heavens I was receiving tummy rubs on a daily bases. I had more attention then a new born baby. My owner Lilly was always by my side, and bedtime was at the foot of her bed.

But something seemed to be missing, it was as if some major part of my being had missed out on an important factor in my life. I couldn’t put my paw on it but something wasn’t right. I began investigating, I sniffed here, I scratched there and I shuffled my puppy legs everywhere but there was not a single thing wrong.

Then I could smell it, it was intoxicating and revolting at the same time. What was that! Whatever it was I wanted to chase it down and bark at it really loudly. “Come on Paul lets go for your first walkies!” That word, wow what an effect it has on my tail. The entire bottom half of my body seemed to be swinging with my tail. I was baffled and intrigued, but maybe this walkies business was just what my investigation needed.

Words can hardly describe the feeling of this fantastic invention called ‘the park’. The smells! The sights! The sounds! everywhere I looked there seemed to be different types of grown up dogs. Cute ones, ugly ones and the kind of dogs you don’t want to ask for directions. Next time though I will not be going to the park on an empty bladder, oh the situations I missed out on!

Then Boom! It was as if someone had slapped me over the head with a wet smelly animal and ran away. There it was! All fluffy and overly whiskerly just sitting there grooming itself, disgusting. Whist my owner was in a deep important conversation with her mother about ice cream I pelted for the cat. The feline monstrosity looked up from licking its paw and just looked in amazement at a tiny puppy with crazed determination charging his way.

Ha! I’ve got you now you fury feeble fop! The cat who was about twice my size at this point just seemed to wait, with what cats can call eyebrows raised to there fullest. Then the cat made a cheeky side step to the left and my puppy mush smacked straight into a tree. “Muppet” was all I heard as I saw my new nemesis prance away as consciousness faded. “I’ll get bigger! And I will get you! Was all I managed before I fell under, and dreamed about the new meaning to my life; catching a cat!

Photo courtesy of Jason at Molenda.us


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How many Roads must a Dog walk down

I was born a ball of fluff with shiny eyes, gazing up at my mother who looked down at me and licked my face with a massive wet sandpaper tongue.  I was nose nudged to my brothers and sisters and thus my life began fighting for a teat amongst a sea of swinging tails. 

I learnt many lessons during the days of teat battles, its not all wet noses and gummy puppy bites. Have you ever seen a bunch of tussling puppies as they near attack the tired looking mother pooch, mystified at the frantic movements of the fluffly  army assaulting her. The only situation that ceased the teat tussle was a human visiter, and so the cute crazy circus ensued.

Brother after sister after brother were clutched out of the jumping barking mayhem by squeaky young girls, head tilting ladies and ear tugging boys. Until all that was left was me looking up at my mother once more, wondering why I sat here missing my brothers and sisters, but at least I wasn’t going hungry now.

Then she entered, the world eased into slow-motion, my eyes followed her as my puppy paws clutched at the cage. Stopping at the gerbil hutch my heart stuttered, as she poked the glass tank housing the snake I let out  a yelp. ‘arrr look at da liddle puppy’ there are no words that can explain the feeling of your owner picking you up as if clutched from the dark.

Colors, trees, cars, houses, smells, oh the smells, letter boxes, postman and millions, billions and trillions of people. The chitty chitty bang bang trip to my new home almost made my eyes shoot from my face, as my Lilly fussed my ears continuously. These where the happy times, my first of many roads a dog must walk down.


Picture curtsey of tobias.com 

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