People tell me ‘it’s a dogs life’, is it really? Well in my case it is, whether that means my life’s peachy, I’m uncertain. Surrounded by what looks like six very mangy, old and smelly chihuahuas wearing stupid hats, is not what I consider to be peachy- more very confusing.
I flipped, I realized that this was not what the occasion called for, but I just down right lost it. My flipping manifested itself by shooting up bolt right, then screeching “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and running as fast as I could for the nearest exit. Seeing as no exit presented itself, I proceeded to run around in circles to release my episodic energies.
The six old dogs sat patently in this darkened wooden shack, the candle light playing flickering shadows on the walls as I ran around like a screaming tit. “So this is what we’ve been waiting all these years for? A simpleton with the bravery of a pot noodle.”
I broke for a moment, bent over and panting whilst I attempted to catch my breath, then I took a big old heave and continued. “I’ll give it to him though, he’s got stamina, even if he has the intelligence of a sausage.”
Finally I did run out of puff but unfortunately so did my grasp on reality, as my surroundings became confusing shapes. The room decided to spin around in crazy circles, disco lights shone around in fantastic shimmering colors and chihuahua heads span round in the air.
“Enough of pot noodles and Sausages Baxter! He’s passing out again, by the holy balls of Snoopy!” The smallest of all the unsettling Chihuahua’s turned to the mangiest and oldest of all the tiny pooches. “O reverent Elder Snuffles, he’s not ready for the testing, we should take him home.”
I awoke to my lovely Lilly tickling my ears, smiling down at me while she watched her shiny box of noises and shapes. “Din dins!” I almost leaped the entire length of the front room to the kitchen from Lilly’s lap, skidding to the bowl as I munched like a dog possessed.
It’s at times like this you look around and see why people say its a dog’s life. “Pissssssst” I mean when you look at it life is just an amazing concoction of… “Pisssssssssssst you stupid crap bag”. Crap bag? Who dares call me crap bag! Being insulted caused my usual cowardly nature to take a holiday.
“Now look here matey Jim, I may be a few things but crap bag is not one of them.” Then it hit me, oh my sweet and merciful snoopy, it was a female dog! Poking her head through the cat flap. I had uncontrollable urges to sniff her butt, and chase her around a bit “Just shut up and follow me” I was so taken that I just followed her through into the garden.
Again I found myself being so confused that I just wanted to headbutt a toaster. “I present the other choice O chosen one.” My tail wagged with nervous energy as I sat down on the cold patio. “The other choice? As in for me to choose? Or are you’re another chosen one chosen by the choosers?” The lady dog shook her head in confusion. “No, oh just shut up and listen.”
“I represent the winning side.” My tail stopped wagging and my testosterone charged panting ceased and my wet tongue flopped back into my snout. “The winning side to what exactly?” An evil look overtook this temptress and she let out a very well rehearsed cackle, so good that I wanted to clap a little.
“You have many tests that lay before you young pup, but we can make you a god!” She held out her paws for this and shouted it to the sky for fancy effect, and let out another award winning cackle.”Well that sounds lovely, it was very nice to meet you but I’m going back inside now to finish my din dins.”
“There’s no time for din dins, you flipping half wit! The times of conference are upon us and you…” Again she pointed at me, tilted her head back looking at me with wide eyes. “.. you are the conduit of change! Be our Savior, let my master show you the true meaning of your power! Or die with the flee bitten chihuahua circus!” This time I did clap and I stood up a bit. “Wow you’re very good at this.”
She grabbed me firmly by the chops shaking my head “You have the ability to communicate with humans, you fool! Do you know what this means?! You can rule dogkind! Grow up and chose a side or life will make you choose.” She ran to the bushes “We will make you a gooooooooooood!”
“Pauly, come finish ya din dins!” As I returned to devour my munch, the day’s events rolled across my mind with words like conference, conduit and the one with abilities. “What does it all mean?” I sat there on the patio utterly confused. “Pauly come on now it’s getting late.”
“Oh alright, you bloody nagging old shower of poo, I’ll be there in a sec.” What happened after that statement made everything entirely clear. “It talked, It talked! The Bloody dog talked! And it called me a poo!” Running through the house into the street, Lilly’s mother screamed waking up the neighbors. “Oh OK, so I can actually communicate with humans, this is going to be interesting.”
Photo courtesy of Dan Machold at Flickr